"72. People go "now, Robin, how do I know if I'm an alcoholic?" Well as one, let me give you some warning signs. Number one, after a night of heavy drinking, you wake up fully clothed going "Hey! Somebody shit in my pants!" 71. Number two, you have a couple of cocktails, you find yourself on the freeway going, "What are these fuckers doing going the wrong way?" 70. Number three, you get drunk, you go out for Indian food, you wake up in Bombay with a camel licking your balls. 69. Ta da! You are an alcoholic! And some people say "Robin, I'm a *functioning* alcoholic!" Which is, you can be one. It's like being a paraplegic lap dancer. You can do it, just not as well as the others, really. 68. You don't need cocaine! There's another way to get real high, and really mess your mind up, it's called marathon running! 67. Blackouts, I joke, are like sleepwalking with activities. 66. If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number? 65. Keith Richards is the only man who can make the Osbornes look fucking Amish. I've seen him going to a drug dealer who said: "I'm out, man!" "I have nothing left." "

- Robin Williams